You might think you know what makes a relationship tick, but psychologists have uncovered some bizarre rituals that truly in-love couples swear by. According to a 1997 study published in the journal Communication Monographs, couples who prioritize little-known rituals are onto something.
Researchers Carol Bruess and Judy Pearson focused on documenting the countless unique habits and rituals that couples swear keep them in love for decades. They identified four broad themes of these rituals: 'favorites,' 'private codes,' 'play rituals,' and 'celebration rituals.'
Favorites may sound like ordinary preferences that couples develop over time. As one woman in the study explained, these rituals stop being just preferences and start becoming shorthand for their familiarity and affection for one another. For instance, remembering someone's strange favorite snack or recreating an old inside joke communicates that they 'get' you.
Private codes are words, gestures, phrases, symbols, or behaviors that carry unique meaning within the relationship alone. These rituals can include nicknames, baby talk, weird accents, secret signals, or recurring references that would make absolutely no sense to anyone else. One couple reported ritualistically repeating their favorite movie quote to one another every day, like a cheesy affirmation of sorts.
Play rituals revolve around teasing, joking, silliness, games, and playful banter. These are the strange little habits couples fall into when they feel emotionally safe enough to be completely ridiculous around each other. As one woman in the study admitted, she would check her husband's belly button for fuzz on a daily basis at bedtime.
Celebration rituals refer to the special routines couples create around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, achievements, and meaningful milestones. These rituals establish shared expectations around how love, appreciation, and remembrance are expressed. One couple in the study reported a ritual for celebrating their relationship by returning to the same restaurant where they had their first date.
While these rituals may sound absurd to outsiders, psychologists argue that they serve a profound purpose: they create what researchers sometimes call a 'culture of two.' Healthy couples develop a shared language, shared references, and shared meanings. These elements reinforce the feeling that the relationship is its own safe emotional ecosystem.
These rituals also become markers of emotional intimacy in times of routine or monotony. A private phrase exchanged across a crowded room or a tiny symbolic gesture before work can act as a reminder that, beneath all the logistics and boredom of adulthood, their friendship and romance is still alive and well.
In the words of one couple who invented a game to celebrate their anniversary, 'This is sort of a sign of 'how ya feeling today about one another?''
We can learn that relationships thrive on responsiveness: the feeling that your partner 'gets' you deeply and responds to your inner world with care. These rituals show us that little routines become powerful markers of emotional intimacy in times of routine or monotony.
These rituals aren't just sweet gestures; they're a way of saying 'I'm still here, and I'm still invested in our love.'
Key Facts • Researchers identified four broad themes of rituals in truly in-love couples: 'favorites,' 'private codes,' 'play rituals,' and 'celebration rituals.' • Favorites may sound ordinary, but they become shorthand for familiarity and affection over time. • Private codes are words, gestures, or behaviors that carry unique meaning within the relationship alone. • Play rituals revolve around teasing, joking, silliness, games, and playful banter. • Celebration rituals establish shared expectations around love, appreciation, and remembrance.
While these rituals may be unique to individual relationships, they aren't mutually exclusive. Many couples combine elements of multiple categories to create their own distinct rituals.
The 'culture of two' created by these rituals makes a relationship feel like its own safe emotional ecosystem.
The study's findings suggest that truly in-love couples prioritize little-known rituals that may seem absurd to outsiders. They serve a profound purpose by creating a shared language, shared references, and shared meanings that reinforce the feeling of a 'culture of two.'
The next time you find yourself feeling stuck or monotonic in your relationship, try incorporating some of these bizarre rituals into your daily routine. You might just discover a new way to communicate with your partner and rekindle the spark in your love life.
If you're wondering if your connection is thriving or just surviving, try taking the Relationship Flourishing Scale to find out.