Imagine your partner has a secret life with another person, and this person is not just any person, but someone they've had a connection with online. This is the situation of a 37-year-old banker, John, who reached out to Rappler's People section for advice on how to handle his wife's third party, a BDSM partner.

The advice column, run by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes, offered a thoughtful response to John's dilemma. As a banker with 37 years of experience, John has had the privilege of working in three continents and has a master's degree in law from Oxford University.

Dr. Holmes started by acknowledging John's commitment to his marriage and his desire to find a solution to the problem. However, she pointed out that John's approach seemed to be based on a major contradiction: he wants to accommodate his wife's needs but feels threatened and uncomfortable in the process.

According to Dr. Holmes, the key issue is not just the difference between vanilla and BDSM sex, but rather the disagreement over how open their relationship should be. An open relationship is one where both partners agree to date, sleep with, or form romantic connections with others, as long as it is consensual.

Since John is not okay with his wife having sex with someone else, their relationship is not open, and John needs to clarify his feelings and needs before engaging in any negotiations about their future together.

The solution, Dr. Holmes suggests, requires a clear understanding of each other's needs and a willingness to compromise. John and his wife need to thrash out the basis of a marriage that caters to both their proclivities, with clear communication, true consent, boundaries, and rules where necessary.

The couple may also benefit from seeking the help of a mental health professional to guide them in their negotiations and ensure that their relationship is built on a foundation of love, respect, and mutual understanding.

'An open marriage means both your wife and you agree to a marriage where each of you accept that it is ok to have sex, and perhaps even form romantic connections, with others,' Dr. Holmes wrote.

In essence, John's dilemma serves as a reminder that relationships are complex and require effort and communication to work through their challenges. By acknowledging their differences and working together, John and his wife can build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

Key Facts

• John, a 37-year-old banker, has a wife with BDSM proclivities and a third party online. • John wants to accommodate his wife's needs but feels threatened and uncomfortable in the process. • Dr. Holmes suggests that the key issue is not just the difference between vanilla and BDSM sex but the disagreement over how open their relationship should be. • An open relationship requires consent from both partners to date, sleep with, or form romantic connections with others. • John and his wife may benefit from seeking the help of a mental health professional to guide them in their negotiations.