A 37-year-old man with a good job, good character, and what he calls a "too large" penis says he's been looking for a wife for five years. He wrote to Rappler's advice column "Two Pronged" asking if he should go back to an ex-girlfriend who was willing to marry him but only with sex play, no intercourse.
The man, who signed his letter as Carlo, says his previous relationships ended because sex was painful for his partners. One girlfriend broke up with him after eight months. Another never had intercourse with him at all — just holding his penis in her hand convinced her it would hurt. He refused her marriage proposal.
Carlo says he can last 20 minutes during sex but is willing to make it shorter if his wife wants. He's tried positions recommended by a gynecologist, but they didn't help. Now he's stuck: should he settle for a sexless marriage with his ex?
The column is answered by Jeremy Baer, a banker with a master's in law from Oxford, and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes. Together they've written books on relationships, including "Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality" and "Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons."
Baer's response cuts straight to the point: a woman experiencing pain during intercourse isn't complaining — she's sending a clear message. He suggests Carlo reframe the problem as something to solve together, not something a wife should just tolerate.
"A woman experiencing pain during intercourse isn't complaining — she's sending you a clear message."
Baer also points out that both penises and vaginas come in different sizes. The fit between two people matters more than the size of one alone. He recommends further medical advice and pelvic floor physical therapy, which can treat painful intercourse (dyspareunia).
Dr. Holmes takes a sharper angle. She says she had trouble answering because Carlo's phrasing — "I just want her to not complain about our sex lives" — could mean two very different things. Does he want a wife who enjoys sex so there's nothing to complain about? Or does he want a wife who stays silent even if she's in pain?
"If it's the latter, then please write us again, telling us more about yourself, ok? This is because we will have to dig far deeper and unpack issues that have more to do than the difficulties caused by a large penis."
If it's the former, Holmes says, then life becomes easier — not just for her as a columnist, but for Carlo's future wife, because it means he's looking out for her enjoyment too.
She introduces the concept of non-penetrative sex, also called outercourse. This includes sexual activity without putting a penis, sex toys, fingers, or anything else inside the vagina or anus. Many people don't consider it, but it can be a solution for painful sex caused by a large penis, trauma, or other issues.
As for the ex-girlfriend, both columnists agree: going back to someone out of desperation rather than genuine love is unfair to both parties. She may not even be interested anymore, and she deserves a full partner — as does Carlo.
The column ends with a dose of reality: there's no way to know if a couple fits without trying. But the good news, Baer says, is that a significant number of women actually prefer a large penis. So there's hope.